Today finds me in a very reasonable non-desperate place in my parenting situation. I'm truly grateful for this. What we've been up to? Well, much of the same. Threatening. Screaming. Yelling. Punishing. Sighing. Crying. Sadness. I got profoundly sad, then depressed over my son and his inability to "get" it. I spent about a week or two in bed feeling sorry for myself and my ineffective parenting skills. I wallowed. Oh how I wallowed. I found no point in going on. I felt worthless. I wanted to die (no bullshitting). I. I...was the most self centered muphucka on the planet for two weeks. The bottom line is, they aren't my grades. I don't have to suffer any of the consequences of them. My job as a parent is to guide and to be there when needed. Both of which I always do, even at my most paranoid and overbearing.
We stayed in the fight. Even when we hated each other, because honestly looking back over the last few weeks; I'm not sure if I wouldn't have run away or gone emo if I had me for a mom. In the midst of our everyday grind something came to me. We hadn't played, genuinely played, for a very long while. Maybe because somewhere inside me I felt that I wasn't doing my job if I allowed him to goof off. What I didn't think about is that I was doing him and our relationship a severe disservice. Play is JUST as important as work. When I took an honest look at my child's life I saw that it was mainly work with scattered instances of play that I would stifle as quickly as they arose. What an f'n Scrooge I'd become!
So, I as an experiment (we'll see how this works folks) decided to play a game with him for 15 minutes for every homework assignment he completes. This accomplishes few things: First, It allows him a break. Second, it allows me to play with him and give him the time with me that he clearly wants (as can be seen by his eagerness to complete assignments per they're requirement so we can play) and I get time with him, which I want :). It's been pretty cool so far too!
We've been playing Table Topics (which I didn't initially think he'd like, but it was what was here). If you're not familiar with Table Topics it's a game that's basically a stack of questions that the players go around asking each other. Some are about life experience, others about thoughts on topics, dreams, aspirations. It turns out Zion loves this game. He digs finding out things about me and telling me things about him (he actually confessed stealing a power ranger action figure when he was younger!)
Sidebar: I am having him tested for a learning disability. He resents me a little for it, no matter how much I explain it doesn't make him stupid, but he's a kid. I get how he feels. No one wants to be different. As a parent though, I MUST be sure all my bases are covered to ensure he's getting everything he needs from his educators (and hell yes you have to jump in with both feet when you're dealing with CMS!)
I can't say what any of this done for his grades yet (with an overall more healthy emotional well being I'm sure they will at least stabilize, I pray!) I'm seriously trying to let that go for now, but it's worked wonders for our relationship in just a short period. I'm also doing a lot of work on me. So I don't take his comments, rants, and attitudes personally. So I don't feel like I have to fight every battle tooth and nail. So I don't feel like I have to physically assert my dominance when he's just doing the things kids do. I won't be disrespected for sure. However I don't have to disrespect him to gain that respect. Pretty good feeling.
Yes, I'm still here. Still in it, but now working with my son, instead of against him. It's working. For now.